I’ve discovered an interesting trend with my clients. Recently, almost every single one of them confessed a fear that if they obtain their goal, something awful will happen in their life.
Though they outwardly believe they can have what they want – after all they hired a coach to assist them with claiming the dream they desire – once we dug a little deeper, we realized this internal fear is what’s keeping them from staying consistent with the behaviors that will help them achieve their goals.
As someone who was first diagnosed with cancer right after graduating high school and then again right before the start of sophomore year, I totally understand this (flawed) logic. After all, what were supposed to be the “best years of my life” were riddled with illness, depression and loneliness.
During high school, I swallowed AP classes and extra circular activities daydreaming about when I’d get to occupy a dorm room. Then once I got to college, my first two years were gut wrenchingly difficult. I also began to equate taking a massive leap in my life with a horrific event simultaneously emerging from the shadows. Thankfully, I was strong enough to seek support and spent a substantial amount of time in therapy and working with a coach of my own to unravel it all. And because I did, I’m now beyond compassionate with my own clients as they trudge through their fear. My experience allows me to really “get” what they’re going through … and help them see what’s waiting for them on the other side.
What my clients are experiencing is a belief that we are only entitled to a certain amount of good and when that good is used up, the bad stuff begins to happen.
The truth is that there is no limit to the good stuff you can experience. You honestly get to decide how much you allow into your life, and believe it or not your beliefs are a big part of that. Though you can’t ignore that on occasion shitty things will happen, try to be mindful that you don’t assume they occur as a consequence of your success.
When I first moved to NYC, I was floundering professionally but my relationship had solidified itself and was on its way to engagement. On the flip side, my girlfriends all had rock solid careers, but were craving more in the realm of relationships. I remember us talking once and concluding together that maybe you just get one or the other: a great relationship or a great career. Not both. Given all of our situations at the time, it seemed to make sense.
I settled for this logic temporarily but once I let it go, I shocked myself. My career quickly took off and my relationship still gets better day in and day out, despite any temporary difficulties we face. I now have both a thriving career and a loving relationship, and am proof that you really can have what you want. My girlfriends are thriving too. Over the years since then we’ve celebrated engagements, weddings, babies, and promotions.
Face it. You are human. You are going to get sick from time to time, people you love will too. The hardcore truth is that we are all also going to die someday. Though we can care for ourselves to prevent illness and extend our lives, we can never – no matter how fantastically we try – avoid all suffering.
Now, I know this flies in the face of new age pedagogy. But for the record, I just don’t believe we can create a life devoid of suffering. Rather, I believe suffering is a part of the human existence. What you can control, however, is how resilient you are in the face of life’s difficulties, and how quickly you can move through them when they happen.
Given the hardcore reality that life will challenge us from time to time with illness, death, and misfortune, I prefer to live the crap out of the good times and make every effort to enjoy every drop of each day that goes by relatively unscathed.
I get the emotion behind the belief that if we hold ourselves back in someway, we might “control” the amount of suffering life throws at us. However, I want to point out the flaws in this logic. The truth is, you are prone to suffer whether you achieve what you want or not. Period. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that.
What you can do is choose to make massive strides in the direction you now desire.
So given this truth, what do you choose? Where are you craving more in your life?
On the topic of expanding your capacity to receive more abundance, I am excited to share with you two of my colleagues (and former clients) who are currently offering awesome programs, Kavita J. Patel + Kristen Domingue.
- Kavita’s Done With Being Single video series is a surefire way to help you feel alive and passionate while looking for the right partner.
- Kristen Domingue’s Ignite Your Purpose series will help you align your purpose to your business so that you can rock an awesome career by being you. (Kristen was a major force -and strategist- behind me launching this website, and coming out of the closet with my business… Big thanks to her and her work!)
In the meanwhile, face your fears about claiming your desires and get honest with yourself. Are you holding yourself back out of a fear of success?
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Leave me a comment below, and have a suffer-free day!
I send you all my love.