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Deep Work: New Moon in Gemini

new moon in gemini

As you read this post, I am traveling in France, offline, enjoying my solar return (aka my birthday). This year, I celebrate a milestone—I turn 40. While getting older can feel like a mixed bag for anyone, I have to say, as I launch into a fresh decade, I do so with an incredible amount of energy. I’ve spent so much of my life doing deep work, and honestly, it feels so good.

Thinking Back Over The Last Decade

In the winter of 2015, as my mother-in-law lived the last days of her life—albeit gut-wrenching—I had the great privilege to support her in-home hospice experience of dying. The winter she died brought bone-chilling temperatures to New York. While I primarily lived in her home during that time so I could be with her on a daily basis, the house I had rented for about two years in rural upstate New York had a death of its own. Over the course of a couple of weeks of not being there at all, the record cold temperatures burned fuel faster than anticipated and the furnace blew out. While we had an insured alarm system on it that should’ve notified our oil company to come and add fuel immediately, the alarm system failed.

I discovered this one week before my mother-in-law finally departed. I needed to take a break and went home. When I arrived, after shoveling out the walkway to the front door and removing several feet of snow, I walked into a freezing cold house. When I went into the bathroom, I noticed something dreadfully wrong—the water in the toilet bowl was one giant ice cube. I quickly realized the pipes in the house froze completely. In some areas of the home, the walls cracked. Ugh. This old lake house had functioned as my solace. And now, amidst one of the toughest winters imaginable, it became uninhabitable due to disaster.

The truth is, for months leading up to this I had been in a contentious argument with my landlord about how precarious our heating situation felt. The furnace was really old and the insulation was not sufficient for the intensity of this particular winter. He had promised to make significant changes but when push came to shove, he didn’t.

One week later my mother-in-law passed in her home as planned. My husband, sister-in-law and I, talked her through letting go.

Death as the Catalyst for Personal Transformation

My mother-in-law and I shared a tight bond. We talked about everything. She came to realize that despite her well-educated life and personal development journeys, she knew little about death. As she engaged her hospice process, she embraced living chemo-free joyfully, which meant learning how to surrender life into her own transformation. This was deep work unto itself.

Dying became a learning curve that she traveled with curiosity and grace. As her friend and daughter-in-law, I empathetically traveled the journey with her learning all I could about how to die peacefully.

Strangely, on a spiritual and symbolic level, it made sense that my house died the same week that my mother-in-law passed. The freezing of pipes and cracking of walls represented the internal structure of my life—a significant turning point. It represented a passing of an identity that no longer existed. Yet, that didn’t mean it felt any less painful. I felt totally disoriented.

I remember speaking to my health coach about this at the time. Not returning to a place that felt so incredibly nourishing only intensified the grief I had felt from losing someone I loved. As I struggled with this, my coach said something I’ll never forget. She told me that the time had come for me to buy a home upstate.

Say, what? Buy a house?!

She pointed out that my life upstate morphed into a non-negotiable of my existence and turning my back on it meant turning my back on me. She helped me understand that the passing of mother-in-law represented a growth point that asked me to enter a deeper place of my own maturity. Committing to my life (and not running from it) would prove incredibly powerful for me.

Normally we discussed supplements and functional medicine testing. But in this moment, she reminded me that health remains about so much more than just vitamins and digestion. To her point, where you live contributes substantially to your well-being. And, I needed a home to accommodate my need for safety, security and peace, in an environment where I thrived. Touché.

It took about a year, but with time, a house presented itself a couple of miles away from where I had rented. A home with beautiful double-pane windows and a furnace that functions with incredible efficiency. A comfortable and warm place that graciously became a true solace. It held me through the last three winters with cozy warmth. And hopefully will continue to hold me for many more winters ahead.

The passing of my mother-in-law called me into a new iteration of my own adulthood.

It beckoned the question of what it means to embody my own womanhood (especially in light that I can’t have kids). It pushed me to commit further to the life I most want to live. Childless and unsuccessful in my attempts to adopt, I spent so much of the last five years exploring the edges of what it means to move through profound sadness and grief.

While I wouldn’t wish infertility, death, and despair upon anyone, I can honestly say that my experience of pain brought me to a new threshold of joy. And it’s from this place that I enter a new decade of life. I have more energy and peace than ever. These feelings stem from the bone-deep nourishment I’ve prioritized over the last few years. It’s a natural evolution of having moved through a dark night of the soul with a steadfast focus on spiritual development and a service-driven life.

Also: spending the majority of my time in the country since 2014 has not only expanded my ability to care for my health—hello, farm-to-table-living—but also my ability to go way deeper with my work, my spiritual practices, and all that lights me up in life. After all, I’ve created the space for it. Having lived back in NYC this past winter—the brash parallel to my life upstate—I remember all the reasons why I actively chose to live a much more monastic life than NYC really allows. It just feels so much better. I can focus with more concentration, and thankfully, I feel the cumulative benefits of the sincerity of how I take care of myself. Consequently, I will continue to spend the majority of my time upstate with a well peppered urban experience in NYC. I love doing deep work.

Launching into a new decade: More deep work

Honestly, over the last five years, as I’ve built my following and platform online, I did so from a place of dying. While I made big moves and accomplished a lot, I’ve primarily moved through a time of deep surrender, shedding, and release. Over that time, I let go of my life in Brooklyn. I let go of my mother-in-law. I let go of an idea that I’d one day become a mother myself.

I let go of my own shame-based ambition (ambition driven by a need to prove myself as worthy). I let go of a lot of anger, pain, and unresolved issues from my past. I let go of unrealistic expectations I had of life. (Deep work, for sure!)

I let go of more than I can really express here on a blog, but I attempt to because as a micro-business and personal brand, I want you to understand where I’ve been and where I am going so that you understand what I am about and what you can expect from me.

Approaching My 40s With Fresh Eyes

I am stepping out of a phase in life where the theme primarily revolved around death (though I humbly know death is always a constant in life) and am coming into a time of building, growing, and breathing life into my existence. And, this trajectory will definitely have an impact on the material I am creating on this blog, and in my business in general. Oh an hey, my book, Cosmic Health!

While I don’t know what is coming, exactly, I am deeply excited about it. I can’t wait to get back to the States to share more.

Until then, I am celebrating the joy of being alive—something I never take for granted. Thank you for being with me on this journey and happy new moon in Gemini. I hope you, too, embrace the deep work.

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  • Esther Tremblay

    Thank you for the honest post. It resonated with me.

    • Heather Rose

      I subscribed to your site today. Thank you for creating momentum for and focus on a credo dear to my heart: women and their cosmic power sources. I am thrilled to be part of your circle. Like-minded community never felt more precious to me as I face huge challenges with resiliency couage and grace. Ty

  • Katelyn

    This is such a beautiful post. I can relate in so many ways. Wishing you all the love and joy as you celebrate your birthday! Thank you for sharing all you do and for your authenticity. ❤

  • Michelle

    Beautifully said. Happy 40th Birthday and thank you for sharing.

  • Georgia

    Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing so deeply.

  • Pamela Hernandez

    Welcome to 40. I’ve found it to be one of the most fulfilling and challenging times in my life. I’ve learned what I’ve made of and what love is. I wish you all the love and wisdom you bring to others.

  • Tiffany Zapico

    Hello love, thank you for sharing your thoughts and lessons with us. You are such an inspiration and such a lovely human with a beautiful soul! Sending you so much love on your birthday. I am so grateful for all I have learned from you and from the Moon. {{Hugs}}

  • Nadina

    Happy B-day Jenn. Thanks for your words, I could feel them through my heart. Regards.

  • Meghann Powers

    Happy Solar Return Mama! Thanks for sharing your beautiful words and truth! I can’t wait to see what this next decade brings for you!

  • Crystal O'Gorman

    Happy Birthday, Jenn! I always appreciate your honesty, depth and fresh perspective. I look forward to seeing where this new transition takes you. I’m starting one myself … going back to school in a couple months (Yep, I did it!). I will be growing right along with you! Best wishes, always 🙂

  • Fern Spring

    Hi Jennifer,
    I can so totally relate to your story! If I had to guess it sounds like you are having a progressed New Moon or something similar! I had a hysterectomy also at a youngish age and had to grieve not having children-I appreciate the way you are walking consciously and lovingly through these transitions.
    May your future unfold with beauty and grace.

  • Taryn Freeman

    Happy birthday beautiful!!! Wow….I have related to your posts prior as I am unable to have kids and went into surgical menopause at a young age…I am also just about to turn 40…but this one really hit home. After watching my grandmother go thru a 2 week dying process in the home we shared…and then losing my relationship with most of my family over the family trust…I completely relate to feeling like death was surrounding me…but at the same time watching someone you love struggle to take those final breaths…you also feel soooo grateful for every new day and each breath you take 🙂 all while mourning the loss of my female organs and never being a mother…I up and moved to a whole new state….quiet calm peaceful and full of nature. I can not wait to turn 40…my 30s blew!!! I hope your fresh chapter of life is filled with love and healing. I know mine is heading that way…love your work and thank you for sharing your story. It is inspiring 🙂 XO

  • Alla

    Love your words. Genuine and touching my soul. Something resonates so deeply within me. Thank you, darling heart and happiest Bday.

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