As women, we spend much of our adult lives learning to manage our emotions, thoughts, and feelings. We’ve read books, done the meditations, and practiced with the intention to…
Feel our feelings and communicate them maturely without pointing the finger.
Pause and breathe to prevent the verbal diarrhea from pouring out.
Get up the next day and try again.
We consider ourselves victors when we approach life and situations from this perspective. For in those moments, we reap the rewards of our work—we feel empowered and proud of being conscious, thoughtful, and on top of our shit.
But then there are times when we can’t contain our inner bitch, brat, or crazy girl. She’s out before you can say, “Oh, hey. It’s you.” And after she’s caused an explosion in the office, at home, or at a friend’s party, you’re left with the familiar residue of sheer guilt and embarrassment.
You were getting your period.
You had five sleepless nights in a row.
You had just gone three days without a shred of healthy food.
You were caught off guard by the intensity of a crazy full moon.
Circumstances simply depleted your emotional wherewithal to cope.
Recently, I returned from a solo trip to Bali. I had spent 36 hours traveling, felt dirty and cranky, and had the typical post-vacation hangover. Without realizing it, my inner bitch snuck up on me.
At the first sight of our upstate lake house, the home I hadn’t seen in weeks, I felt uneasy in my belly. The grass wasn’t mowed. The house was a mess. Did my dear husband even try to take care of things while I was away? I snapped at him for no good reason other than fatigue and the challenge of transition.
There was no going back, no catching her, no stopping the words. I said exactly what I was feeling. Out it went. It was an experience that made me realize that yes, I could have prepared myself more for the transition home. So sorry, Doug!
But I also realized that I have more work to do to befriend my inner bitch. Although I’ve done all the work to manage her, I still have to accept her fully.
But would a more loving relationship with her change how I react?
If I had a more neutral perspective, I might have had the awareness not to take her unsettled uprising personally and disengage from the inner dialogue she was bringing forth before she had the chance to react to a really raggedy lawn.
I decided that it was time to make peace with her and to take my emotional management to the next level.
How to Befriend Your Inner Bitch
- Let her have a moment. When the inner bitch gets triggered, don’t try to hold her under water like a beach ball. If you do, she’ll just pop up with insane force. So let yourself feel her fully and take healthy action to move through her. Take a walk outside, punch a few pillows, or allow yourself a 30-second scream. If this needs to happen in front of someone, fine, but don’t direct it at them. And remember, emotions are amoral. We are allowed to feel everything. It’s our behaviors that have morality.
- Give yourself space to mellow out. After the storm has passed, take a moment to breathe and recenter yourself. Examine what just happened and consider what would have allowed you to manage that moment differently.
- Forgive yourself. Once you’ve had time to regain perspective, you may find guilt and judgment creeping into your awareness. It’s ok; that’s going to happen. But counter it with an “I did the best I could at the moment” mantra and forgive yourself. You will do better next time.
- Make amends (if needed). If someone was on the receiving end of your inner bitch eruption, find them and apologize. Express yourself fully and share what your intentions are for the future. If they’re still recovering themselves, that’s ok. Allow them to.
Remember, nobody made you behave in any particular way. It’s never someone else’s fault, so own your behavior and be upfront, self-effacing, and sincere.
Befriending and making peace with the shadow sides of ourselves is beyond challenging. But we can measure our progress by how quickly we catch ourselves and recover, as well as how fast we practice compassion and forgiveness with ourselves and others.
The upcoming full moon forms a tense angle with Uranus—a planet famously known to create disruption and uprising. As we approach the Capricorn full moon happening at 6:56 pm ET on the 19th, we all may feel a bit irritated, and potentially even undone.
Around the world, we have more than enough unsettling things happening in the news—massive systemic violence stemming from institutionalized racism, pain, and overflowing anger, as well as a tense terrorist climate that unfortunately defines the times. Nothing that feels divine.
As we grapple with societal chaos, it’s so important that we channel our higher selves, and add to harmony as opposed to violence. These are the moments that our spiritual disciplines are needed. So prioritize your practices so you can stay centered, loving, and kind, even if your shadow takes the wheel for an hour or two. Practice compassion to embrace the tough moments. Show love to others, and stay grounded. The world has enough going on in it without us adding unnecessary drama to the equation.
Befriending the part of me that has, at times, acted from my shadow is the quickest way to peace that I know. How about you? What are your tips, tricks, and secrets to finding peace during turbulent times?
In the comments below, let me know how you work with your inner bitch and manage your shadow.
So much love and so much peace to you!